Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

It would be to understand the disease of “Oneitis” and go through the steps to cure it.

What is Oneitis?

Oneitis, as some dating coaches have called it, is the tendency for single men to fall head over heels with a woman without first prequalifying her and securing exclusivity.

It comes from the root word “one” as in a guy is obsessed about one girl. He likes one girl too much and usually for no good reason except she’s cute! This causes the guy to not be his best self, which is his authentic self, and in turn makes him too needy. He is basically idolizing her.

It is the nice guy disease. Simply put, it is liking one girl WAYYYY toooo much, before you get to know her or before you become an item.

Men with oneitis give off a needy, desperate vibe. Oneitis makes a man unnecessarily nervous. You stop being yourself because you like her so much and don’t want to risk losing her. You stop taking risks because you don’t want to risk losing her. The problem is you should be taking more risks.

You have to nip oneitis in the bud ASAP, as it will GREATLY inhibit your ability to attract a woman.

My brother had oneitis in college. He would think about a girl a lot. In his mind he thought how much he liked her would be directly proportional to how much she would like him back. The thing is, thinking about a girl so much won’t bring you more success. It will actually hinder your success… Only action and pursuit will bring you success.

The Rule of Sequence

You see, life has a way of making things easy or difficult for you based on if you follow what I call, The Rule of Sequence.

For example, a woman who follows the ideal “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage,” will probably run into less drama, less risk, and greater happiness and security than if she were to change the sequence of events. If she were to do baby then marriage and then expect for love to fall right into place, there’s just no guarantee that it will.

The Rule of Sequence as applied to dating scenarios ideally goes in this order:

First comes attraction, then comes prequalifying, then comes exclusivity, then comes love.

This ideal scenario and sequence of events looks like this:

1. A man finds a woman attractive.

He doesn’t start liking her or obsessing over her or assuming she is an amazing person just because she’s beautiful. He has yet to find that out, so he’s not really that nervous. He doesn’t have much to lose if she rejects him because he doesn’t even know anything about her except that she’s good looking. He understands that attraction is not all there is in having a great woman. She has to be honest and have integrity, she has to be warm and tender, she has to be unselfish and think of others and not just herself. Those are just some things he’s looking for.

2. A man sets out to prequalify the woman.

So, instead of missing his opportunity to get the ball rolling, instead of going home and deliberating his plan of action or talking to all his buddies about this hot new girl, he doesn’t waste any time thinking about her. He goes straight into action. He does this because he doesn’t want to psyche himself out. He’s just going to approach her. So he approaches her and is able to be himself because he’s not begging for her attention. This next phase, the “prequalifying” phase is important to him because without her meeting these other qualities, she loses her attractiveness. This is how the conversation goes:

“Hi, I’m Zach, what’s your name?”

“Cynthia,” she says.

“That’s a beautiful name. Mind if I join you?”

“Sure.” (no enthusiasm)

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Yeah, why not.”

“I’ve never seen you here before. Believe me, if I had seen you before, I would’ve remembered… AND this wouldn’t have been our first meeting.”

She smiles.

“So, what do you do?”

“I’m a real estate attorney….”

You see, Zach’s conversation flows, he’s talking to her like you would talk to a stranger at a party. He’ll throw in a couple compliments to make sure she knows he’s interested in her romantically if the appraoch and the asking to buy her a drink don’t spell it out. Other than that, he’s just getting to know her like a new buddy you’d meet at a party. Trying to find connections. Trying to see where the mutual interests lie. He’s comfortable. He’s not going to ask her out if he senses any red flags. He’s discerning. He’s using this time, not to convince her of anything just yet, as he’s not convinced yet himself. He is using this valuable time to “prequalify,” or basically get to know her just a little bit to see if he wants to take her out on a date.

This is the step most guys miss or wait too long to do (the longer they wait, the more nervous they will be)

3. A man sets out to date her exclusively.

Once Zach has the feeling that this woman is not only beautiful but there are no red flags and he still wants to get to know her more, Zach will take her out on several dates. After several dates, if Zach feels like he only wants to see her and doesn’t want her to see anyone else as well, he will bring up exclusivity, saying,

“Cynthia. I really enjoy your company and I want to take it to the next step. I don’t want to see anybody else. I just want to be with you.”

He doesn’t ask her. He just states his desire and waits for her reaction. This is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to state it.

4. A man is free to be obsessed and fall in love.

After a man has secured exclusivity, then and only then does he actually “fall in love” with her. Then and only then does he verbalize his love. Why fall in love with someone who isn’t committed to only see you? That doesn’t make any sense. Sure, he likes her a lot, but he’s withholding all that really mushy, gushy, sappy stuff until he has the safety net of exclusivity. He doesn’t tell her he’s “crazy about her” on their third date. He doesn’t want to scare her off. If she agrees she wants to be exclusive, that means she’s ready to hear the sappy stuff. She’s ready for you to let out all your obsessive feelings for her. But until then, a man shouldn’t fall in love with a woman… or if he is falling in love with her, he shouldn’t verbalize it until he has secured exclusivity.

What Happens When You Don’t Follow the Rule of Sequence

Instead of following this ideal sequence of dating rituals, many men with oneitis find themselves doing it out of order. They do attraction and then fall right into love… It ends there for many guys. If it goes any further, they do exclusivity, then maybe they qualify once they are already in a relationship. You’ll find guys in relationships who’ve done it in this order thinking, How did I end up with this crazy bitch? And the answer to that is because you weren’t discerning when you were trying to pursue her. You were too busy trying to convince her to be with you that you forgot to evaluate if she was actually a good person.

What a Guy with Oneitis Does

Here’s how it happens. A guy sees a hot girl, and the minute he sees her, he is mystified and starts thinking things like, Omg, she is my dream girl! He watches her from a far, taking note of her every little cute movement and has convinced himself that he must have her. Weeks have probably gone by where all he does is think about her and think about what he should say; he wonders what kinds of things she does after work, and basically, before he even has a chance to meet her, he is already obsessed and putting all his eggs in this one basket. By the time he actually makes “the move,” he has built her up so big in his mind that he’s bound to be nervous and insecure. He is bracing himself for this BIG POSSIBLE REJECTION, that because of the big build up, is going to feel like a UFC fighter knocked him in the jaw…

And ultimately, that’s usually what happens. He goes up to her and is all a bundle of nerves and she’s thinking, What’s this guy’s deal? He’s a bit strange.

Or, oneitis can happen to a guy who is attracted to a girl but instead of pursuing her right away, he lands himself in the friend zone. That happens to Tom in 500 Days of Summer.

If you want to see a guy who clearly has oneitis, watch that movie.

What a Guy Without Oneitis Does

The guy who doesn’t have oneitis is the guy who gets the girls. Here’s how he does it:

Hmm, there’s a hot chick. I’ll go talk to her. As they’re talking, he realizes, Wow, she’s really into herself. Then she taps her friend next to her, points to a woman across the room and they start gossiping. At that point he’s thinking, And she’s really catty. Not cute. Finally someone says something and she starts talking about her ex in gory detail. That’s the last straw for this guy. He’s outta there. He realizes Wow, and she’s kinda jaded and bitter about her ex.

You see, he follows the Rule of Sequence. He is attracted to a woman, but instead of holding back and falling in love with her from afar, he actually makes a move right then and there. He doesn’t go home and plan his course of action. He doesn’t talk to his buddies about her or try to psychoanalyze her from a far. This is because he understands attraction is just attraction. He needs and wants more than just a pretty face. So he approaches her.

He approaches her, not to beg her to go out with him, but to get to know if there’s more to this woman than just a pretty face.

This is what I mean by “prequalifying.” She doesn’t automatically get the green light just because she’s beautiful.

Instead of just accepting her just because she’s beautiful, he talks to her and tries to get to know her. As he’s interacting with her, he’s being discerning, watching out for red flags, getting to know if this woman is as beautiful inside as she is on the outside.

At this point there is no “love,” no “obsession,” because the woman has yet to prove that she is a good catch. Why waste any time giving her space in his mind or his heart if she’s not even worthy of being there?

All the while, the woman he is interested in senses this vibe that she’s not just getting by on her good looks. She also senses that this man is in it for more than just her beauty. This intrigues her. He appears confident because he’s not begging for her attention. He gets extra points for being inquisitive and attentive. All around everyone wins.

Okay, are you convinced that oneitis is bad news??? Below are 10 signs that you have this disease.

10 Signs You Have Oneitis

1. You worry too much about what that hot chick will think of you.
2. You come across as nervous, needy, or clingy.
3. In your mind your thought process is, If I don’t have her, then my whole world will crash down.
4. You have an unhealthy romantic fixation, obsession with a woman you are not in a relationship with yet.
5. You “like” her before you even get to know her. Women sense your “need” for them more than your “desire.”
6. You think about her more than you actually talk to her.
7. You talk to your friends about her more than you actually talk to her.
8. You forget to actually do the “prequalifying” stage. It’s just attraction… then love. You put too much weight on attraction.
9. You meet a hot girl and automatically become intimidated by her beauty.
10. You’ve dated women just because they were beautiful even if they treated you terribly.

Remember guys, beauty is just beauty. That’s all it is. Some women are born with it naturally, some work hard at it. All women know that it is powerful. I remember one guy saying, “Why are all hot women bitches?” Maybe there wouldn’t be so many hot bitches if guys spent more time prequalifying women instead of automatically deeming them valuable and worthy of their attention merely because of their looks.

Men, do you identify with these symptoms? Women, have you ever had experience with a man who had oneitis? What was your reaction?

Back in college something happened to my older brother that made him realize this very fact:

Women are attracted to men of status.

At first glance, you might think that women who are attracted to men of status are the same kind of women who marry old, dying rich men just to secure their fortune once their pace maker stops.

But I am here to give you the hard truth.

All women are attracted to men of status.

Here’s why:

1. Women only fall in love with men they respect, and status puts you in a “respectable” position in society.

Even the most famous wife of all time (The Proverbs 31 wife) was attracted to status. This is proof that the appeal of status is not reserved for just your average lowly gold digger. The Proverbs 31 wife was an outstanding character, a woman many men want to marry, and a woman revered by many wives and wives to-be.

You think the entire chapter was just about her Uh-mazing qualities, but if you read closely, it mentions her husband!

Proverbs 31:23

“Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

… which says something about being with a great woman. Amazing women want to be with respected, respectable men. Plain and simple.

Maybe you know some loser of a guy who has a hot girlfriend. She’s fed up with his loserish ways but never leaves him. You’re thinking, What about that guy? And I’m telling you, she may be with him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s attracted to him. She’s probably LOSING her attraction for him! Women hold onto relationships like a bad habit sometimes. Sometimes it’s being codependent. Sometimes it’s the fear of being alone. Sometimes you’re just afraid of the unknown. It could be many things, but it is definitely not because she’s head over heels wanting-to-jump-on-a-couch like Tom Cruise kinda attraction.

2. Leadership is hot.

Women are attracted to men who take risks and who dive into responsibility. You know what’s NOT attractive? A man who’s only goal in life is to please you. Women want to know you have other hobbies, other goals, other ambitions. And in those ambitions, if you step up to the plate and take the risk and the responsibility of leading others toward a goal, it’s just THAT much hotter. Think of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Women have their eye on the leader of the pack! He is the alpha male and the MAN among men. If other men look up to you, it’s hot! It says something about your character when other men want to follow your lead. Again, it shows respectibility. And nothing is hotter than a man who can gain our respect.

3. Status creates a platform. Women notice. And that causes other women to notice.

So being in a position of status means that men look up to you or follow your lead, yes?

At the same time, women also take notice.

Let’s go back to my brother, Dee. One semester in college, being relatively unknown, he started pursuing women with no luck. Fast forward one semester later when he became Religious Vice President of the entire university. Women started taking notice. He started having a little “following.” When you have a couple women start thinking you’re cool, their friends start taking notice. And that effect has everything to do with status. Soon enough, he realized that women were starting to get really “friendly” with him. Women started obviously crushing on him.

It’s that same effect that you see even in the blogosphere. When you visit a site that has no “following,” you may become interested, you may not. But when you go to a site that has a huge following, immediately you start thinking, Hmmm, there must be something cool about this blog. Let me stick around to check out what others already have concluded is worth following.

And this same phenomena happens with men of status. They have a platform for others to take notice, and popularity breeds more popularity. That’s just the nature of the beast, which leads me to my last point:

4. Women are attracted to “likability.”

Women instinctively know that the identity of the man they are intimately associated with will be read by others as part of her own identity.

Think of the First Lady. Or Princess Kate Middleton. In these extreme cases, they have a position of respectability merely because they are married to men of status.

Women want to be loved and adored by men, but women want to be respected, liked and admired by other women.

In a way, status just shows likability by a large group of people. Women are naturally socializers because we are the “cooperative,” “community oriented” gender.

Because of this, women want men who have a network of associates. She wants to have parties to go to, dinner parties to host. She wants to mingle in society. In order to do that, she has to be with someone who others know and like. Status provides all of this.

She’s more likely to date the guy who has male friends instead of the hermit.

I know status matters to women because deep down we just want to be with someone we can respect. When others have given a man honor and recognition by giving him a title or a position, it is just valid, tangible proof that a man has respectibility.

In my dating history, I’ve noticed that I have gravitated to men of power, status, social standing, leadership positions.

I have dated the college peer choir director. I’ve been attracted to the band leader. I married a general foreman. I dated a guy who became the sheriff. I crushed hard on the unattainable missionary leader who every woman in my university wanted.

What does status say of a man?

• It says, “I’m doing something with my life and people are noticing.”
• It says, “I’m not lazy.”
• It says, “I’m responsible.”
• It says, “I’m respectable.”
• It says, “I’m likable.”
• It says, “People have put their confidence in me.”
• It says, “I work hard to get recognition and to make a difference.”
• It says, “I make good use of my time.”
• It says, “I’m ambitious.”
• It says, “I know what I want, and I’m willing to work hard for it.”
• It says, “I’m socially adept and intelligent.”
• It says, “I am confident in my abilities and skill.”</

Remember how I always say confidence is the HOTTEST trait of all time?

Guys, do you see? What’s NOT to love about these messages?

Ladies, can you relate to any of the points I’ve made? Have you noticed yourself becoming attracted to men of status?

Guys, have you ever experienced the effect that status has on attracting women?

Do you guys remember these two posts, one about not maintaining a friendship with a woman who you’re romantically interested in, and the other showing a video about men who stick around thinking they will get somewhere beyond friendship but their female friends are just happy with the situation as it is?

I just wanted to give you my take on friendships with the opposite sex. As you know from reading this blog, my opinions are generally not mainstream.

I think that men and women can be friends. I just think that it’s a waste of time.

Before you start going ballistic, give me a chance to explain my reasons:

1. It’s a waste of time for a man who’s interested in a woman who is not interested:

Men who try to be friends with women who they are actually interested in romantically don’t get themselves any closer to the goal by continuing that friendship because women are getting their number one need met (emotional support) from the man without the man getting what they want (the romantic connection). Read the first article above to get more details on this.

You’ll see guys who are blown away that their female friend all of a sudden shows interest in another man. She starts crushing on another guy and then he has to hear about it. He starts wondering,

Well why doesn’t she like me? Why does she like this new guy instead when I’ve been here all along?

And to that I say it’s because a woman does not “fall in love” by having her emotional needs met. She “stays in love” by having her emotional needs met. But the initial attraction comes from a man’s assertive pursuit, him making her feel wanted and desired. Giving the emotional support without FIRST making her feel desired, wanted, does not ignite her sexuality. It just makes her feel emotionally satiated. Like settling into a warm blanket when you’re cold as opposed to the reaction the guy really wants: igniting in her a fierce, hot, passion for him.

Read this letter a girl wrote to her “nice guy” male friend.

2. If you’re married, it could be detrimental.

I’m not opposed to men and women being friends. I just find that being married, I don’t really desire male friendships. (except for my gay guy friends! Like Dusty and Tim above!) Maybe it’s because it really makes it uncomplicated for my husband and I. He has no close female friends ( I fill that void 100%) and I have no close male friends (he fills that void 100%). Oh, we also each have siblings of the opposite sex, so that might be another reason.

Besides the fact that we have committed to never air out our dirty laundry to others and instead confide in each other, because neither of us has close friendships with the opposite sex, I also have that added confidence that when we have problems, he’s not going to another woman, and he has the confidence that I’m not going to another guy.

Why it’s hard on your marriage when your closest friends are of the opposite sex:

I had a friend in high school and college whose husband’s best friend was a woman. It caused all sorts of problems for their marriage. Every time they had issues, he would go running to his female best friend, who happened to be single, beautiful and secretly in love with him. Of course by confiding in her, he was not really getting constructive advice. He was getting an accomplice, someone who was just telling him his wife was wrong and completely taking his side.

I know this doesn’t happen to all couples, I’m just saying that in my marriage, the fact that my inner circle of friends are all women (oh with the exception of a couple long distance male friends who used to be coworkers and old family friends who I hardly ever talk to) and Nate’s buddies are all men, it is just a comfort to both of us.

Another thing I do as a safeguard for my marriage:

I’m even committed to never spend time alone outside of work with another man who I am attracted to. Even if it is super innocent. I just try to put myself in my husband’s shoes, and I wouldn’t want him doing that with another attractive woman.

Every decision I make, big or small, is directly related to how it will positively or negatively impact my marriage. And having male friends? I just think that there is a greater chance of it negatively impacting my marriage than positively impacting my marriage.

There is barely enough time for me to devote to my female friends as it is, so I just don’t even try to make male friends.

3. It’s a waste of time if you’re a man or a woman who ever plans on getting married.

Maybe you’re asking, what if I’m not married yet?

If you’re a single guy with close female friends, when you get married, how do you think your wife will feel when you hang out with these friends— dining with them, talking about life and work and family, going out to movies, going to wine festivals? Basically, dating them! Or the more telling question, how would you feel if your wife did all those things with other men?

What if you’re a single girl?

In my twenties, as a single girl, I decided I didn’t want to invest in male friendships because I knew that I wouldn’t have that kind of closeness to a guy once one of us got married. I’m assuming it’s not an easy task being a close female friend of a married man, and out of respect for a man’s wife, not something I would want to do anyway.

Also, as a single woman, maintaining a friendship with a guy who’s interested in you romantically (without your reciprocal interest) has the possibility of 1. Leading him on, or 2. Monopolizing his time when he could be pursuing other women.

I did have a close male friendship with a guy at one point when I was single before I made this decision, with him formerly interested in me (I was not interested) and with him doing all the pursuing in the friendship. When he got married, I hardly ever heard from him, and this is a good thing in my opinion.

That’s why I don’t invest in friendships with the opposite sex. Because it’s an investment that I know will be lost in the end. To me, men are for mating and women are for friendships, but that’s just what has worked in my life.

Readers, what do you think? Do you invest in close relationships with the opposite sex with no intention of moving it romantically?