Watching my parents interact and function as a team while I was growing up, I found their system to work beautifully. They would never argue in front of us and always worked in cohesion. If I asked my mom if I could do something and she said no, I’d go to my dad and ask him. His first question would always be, “Did you ask your mom?” and I’d sheepishly say, “Yes.” Then he’d say, “Well, what did she say?” Shamefully, I’d admit she said no. The same thing would happen if I asked my dad first and then tried to get a yes out of my mom. They worked as one unit.
When two people first get married, they become one unit.
And this is the goal of marriage: to daily stay as ONE unit.
Division, discord, lack of unity, and lack of oneness I believe is the number one thing that destroys marriages.
What You Need to Know About Divorce
Did you know that conflict is not the number one reason why marriages end in divorce? In actuality, habitual avoidance of conflict is the number one reason marriages end in divorce according to Smart Marriages.
This is related to not having “oneness” because both parties are keeping things from each other in order to avoid conflict, therefore they are not “one” in mind.
Another factor in divorce is that people “grow apart” and “fall out of love.” Or as one commenter put it, “We have drifted apart, and neither of us is really sure why this has happened.” Again, this “growing apart” or “drifting apart” is a result of not maintaining “oneness” through a long period of time. Eventually, you don’t know what the other person wants or needs and therefore they “fall out of love.”
All Marriage Advice is Related to Oneness
When people make suggestions about how to have a strong marriage, it’s always related to maintaining that oneness.
- You don’t go to bed angry because you don’t want to be at war with yourself–because your partner is now a part of you.
- You don’t talk badly about each other behind each other’s backs because again, if your spouse is part of you, would you really defame yourself? Would you really talk bad about yourself?
- You have sex not just to have babies, not just to give each other pleasure, but because it’s a physical act that again reinforces “oneness.”
Oneness is CRAZY Stuff
I wonder how marriages would change if each person realized the miraculous, divine thing that happened at “I do.” This person is now a part of you, not just someone that’s going to be by your side through it all. Their being is intertwined with yours.
It’s pretty crazy if you think about it.
How to Promote Oneness
And this is why I promote “oneness” in things like having a joint account. The significance of having a joint account is that you are saying what I make is now ours, what you make is now ours. We are building “our” future together. If I spend money, I think about how it affects not just me but us. If my career takes off, we both share in the blessing and visa versa. It is not his and hers, it’s ours- through the promotions, through the layoffs. It is our joy to share, or it is our headache to deal with. It is our suffering or our celebration.
This is what happens when you don’t have a “oneness” mindset when it comes to money. I agree with Gavin. Her book sales are “their” accomplishment. I wonder who would disagree with me? I’d love to know your take in the comments below.
Aside from big things like joint accounts, you can promote oneness in even the smallest things.
You can promote oneness by sharing in household chores instead of labeling “you do this, I do that.”
Put all your laundry together. Instead of keeping your laundry separate, put all your laundry together. Whoever notices it’s full, they do the laundry. There’s much less conflict in that than trying to keep score and keep things even with household chores. If one partner has more free time or works less, then naturally they would “notice” the laundry a lot more.
Instead of packing just your lunch, pack both lunches. Instead of just having tv shows that one person likes and other tv shows that the other person likes, why not also make time to search for shows you both love?
Instead of having just separate times of prayer or bible study, why not share this time together also?
Instead of competing in games, why not invite another couple over and be on the same team?
Instead of ordering separate meals and sitting opposite each other at restaurants, once in a while, why not sit next to each other in a booth and share a meal- appetizer, main course and dessert?
And probably the most important thing, if you have a problem with your spouse, why not make it a rule NOT to talk to others but instead to your spouse? (at the very least make it a point to not talk to others unless you have FIRST talked to your spouse)
In everything you do, you can think of ways to create “oneness.”
The Dynamics of Oneness In Each Gender
Often times men feel more of that “oneness” connection when they are getting adequate affection (non-sexual) and sex. (physical oneness)
Women on the other hand feel more of that “oneness” connection through spending quality time together, sharing in laughter, the events of the day, thoughts and ideas that spring up, sharing what went on at work and what’s going on with friends and family. (An emotional oneness)
Crazy thing is, when a woman feels that emotional oneness, she is more willing and more easily turned on physically. And for men, when they feel that physical oneness, they also feel more willing to engage in emotional oneness.
This is why it’s a terrible terrible idea to “punish” your husband by depriving him of affection or sex because you feel like he is not meeting you emotionally.
And this is also why it’s a terrible terrible idea to “punish” your wife by stonewalling her, avoiding coming home, finding other activities that don’t involve her, or tuning her out because you don’t feel like she is meeting you physically.
How Oneness Solves Marital Discord
Whenever you’re feeling like you’re not getting your needs met, you don’t feel like giving your partner what they need. That’s the last thing you want to do. And that’s when you think about oneness. You think, I’m not doing this for him or her, I’m doing this for our bond. I’m doing this for “us.”
Because marriage has the man, the woman, and then they choose every day with every action if there is an “us.” The “us” needs to be prioritized above the “me.” This is a way to deal with the times that you don’t feel like he deserves it, or you don’t feel like she deserves it. But your relationship, your bond, the thing you’ve vowed to be a part of until you die, that “us” deserves your unselfish giving.
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