Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

I answer comments from men who want to know what to do to make their girlfriend/wife happy. First, I tell them it’s not their responsibility to “make” their woman happy. Women have to choose contentment in life just like men do. No man needs that kind of pressure of feeling like they are in charge of a woman’s happiness. On the other hand, a man can always make an effort to be a good parnter, thus creating an environment where a woman can feel secure and loved.

I suggest knowing their love language and meeting their needs through their language. I also let guys in on a woman’s greatest need.

Beyond that, I think that men need to feel confident in their ability to be a good partner.

Here is my response to one commenter:

You really cannot force someone to be with you, all you can do is provide the best environment for them to thrive.

Ultimately, men need confidence so that they are operating in love and not fear. Those two cannot co-exist. Perfect love for someone casts out fear.

Maybe the best way to love a woman is to stop trying to please her and just enjoy the time you have together. Show her you are the man for her by being confident in that and by loving her the best way you can. Internally you know what this is. Your gut tells you when you are being kind, considerate, thoughtful. You know when you are treating people well and when you’re not.

There are too many factors in love and in life in general that are beyond your control, and when your focus is set on the things you cannot control (will she leave me? What does she think of me? ) then you are bound to be worried and stressed and fearful.

But, if your focus is on what you can control, (You can love her as well as you know how, you can make sure she knows how you feel, you can make her a priority, you can keep things exciting by planning dates and not just letting things “happen,” you can be a good listener) that is when you feel like you hold the reigns in your life. That is when you will gain confidence to live your life without so many doubts.

Once your mindset changes in this regard, your confidence will show. And I tell men and women, there is NOTHING, NOTHING sexier or more attractive than confidence and someone who is self-assured. It’s a belief thing. Your belief will cause others to believe.

So the first step is for you to BELIEVE you have what it takes to be with this girl. She is just a girl. You are just a guy. Don’t elevate her to this pedestal she does not belong on. Bring her back to earth. She is flawed just like you are. You are lucky to be with her as much as she is lucky to be with you because you are on equal standing.

Do you believe this?

One more thing. I read this somewhere and find it to be true:

“Stress is the perceived sense that you’re not in control”

So, to not be stressed about the outcome of your relationship, the answer is to focus on what you can control, not what is out of your control.

reader’s question

Hi Doc,I love your columns.  I’ve had great success with meeting women since I was turned on to it, and while I haven’t met “the one,” at least I’m equipped to know when a girl isn’t! Usually, anyway. I met Savina on Facebook, and we had a date the next day. We hit it off way more than I ever expected, hung out a few more times throughout the week, and each time it was plain that her Interest Level was rising.She drove with me interstate to look at apartments because I’m moving soon. We had a blast checking out the city. Her Interest Level had risen into the high 80s. She literally could not get enough of me.I never discussed becoming a monogamous couple or engaging in a committed long-distance relationship after I moved, but I did make a point to let Savina know that I liked the way things were going and that I would be interested in seeing how things went after I moved. When I dropped her off after the trip, we made tentative plans to go out on Friday. Come Thursday, it was like she disappeared. I texted her and she didn’t respond, and the same thing happened Friday. I have a personal rule not to contact a girl more than twice without a response, so on Saturday I sent her a message that said, “Hey, no hard feelings, but in the future if you don’t want to talk to or see a guy anymore, just say so,” and kind of wrote her off. She responded with “You’re right, I should have said something. But I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t know what I want right now. You’re wonderful, but I’m emotionally screwed up. I just think you need to be with someone a little more put together than I am.”Now, clearly there is a lot of Womanese going on here. It’s one thing if I go out with a girl a few times and she gives me the brush-off if things aren’t sizzling, but Savina and I got along incredibly well and things were very romantic. What I can’t reconcile is how her Interest Level could go from being sky-high to almost nothing overnight. I did nothing
that could have provoked that. I get that there’s a chance that me moving away would give her pause when it comes to getting involved, but I made it clear that I neither expected her to commit fully nor that I intended to blow her off when I moved.I need coaching, Doc. I know that I should probably forget Savina, but she won me over until all this happened. What should I do? Kal – who’s baffled

doc love’s response

Hi Kal,  How can you meet Savina and have a date with her the very next day? You should have gotten her number, waited a week and then called her. You don’t call someone as soon as you make contact with her and set up a date for the next 24 hours. Where’s the breathing space between the two of you? Jumping on a babe so quickly makes you look desperate. It follows that you don’t go out with a girl a bunch of times the very first week you meet her. In the first 10 or 12 weeks you’re only supposed to see the girl ONCE a week. Are you sure you borrowed the right book from your friend? Because from what you did with Savina, you certainly weren’t going by my program! And something else: You don’t “hang out” with a girl, you date her.

Now let me get this straight. You went to look for a place to live in another city and took Savina along? Kal, you spent way too much time with this girl who you don’t know from Eve! You’re seeing her during the week and you’re already taking road trips with her? She’s not even your girlfriend yet! To boot, you’re moving away from her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Where is this thing going?”

You should not have told Savina that you were writing her off by not contacting her. You tried to appeal to her sense of logic when emotionally she was already gone. After taking her on the road trip and seeing her all week long and setting up your Friday date, you shot your wad. You’re finished, pal.

When Savina said that she didn’t know what she wanted right now, what she really meant was that she wants anybody but you. She’s not emotionally screwed up — what that phrase means is that her Interest Level is below 50%. And that means that you’re history. Like my cousin General Love says, “You had your shot and you blew it.” You saw her too much, too soon, and you took that trip with her. Way, way too much. By the time she decided she’d had enough of you, there wasn’t an ounce of Challenge left — if there was any in the first place.

My friend, you did all kinds of things to provoke this reaction from Savina. You saw her all the time. You called her all the time. You set tentative dates with her. You were hanging out versus dating.

You were making plans for the future. Why in the world were you laying all this stuff out? Why are you telling a girl you knew for a few days your entire game plan? You’re like a general telling another general how you’re going to attack him on the battlefield.