Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

What if you, like Hugh Hefner, are left crying, “She broke up with me”?

reader’s question

Hey Doc, Dawn and I were together almost a year. I’m 32, and she just turned 31. We began talking marriage about five months in. It was an organic thing,
and the level of passion was the same on both sides. She told me her previous history consisted of only two relationships that lasted as long as a year and that most of the time she dumped guys shortly after they started to annoy her.  She sat her parents down and told them I was “The One” and explained that I was different from all the guys she’d dated before. Two weeks shy of our first anniversary, Dawn broke up with me. She said she didn’t feel like she could love me the way I need to be loved.  I told her that I’ve never felt neglected by her or that I wasn’t getting from her what I needed. She said that when I give her compliments, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she had woken up that week with a funny feeling that something didn’t seem right. She said that she couldn’t get married right now. She said that she always does this, that she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year. I said it sounded like fear, that marriage scares me too at times, but that I’m more afraid of a future without her. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did. She said I’m everything she ever wanted in a man but that she can’t be in a relationship right now. I felt blindsided, because five days before she broke up with me, she made a comment in an email about what
kind of engagement ring she wanted. A few weeks before, she emailed me suggestions for wedding venues. Looking back at the final month, I could see small signs that she was beginning to detach, but it seemed harmless at the time. Dawn’s very religious, and she made a weird comment a month before the breakup about how she wanted to be in heaven. I was really taken back and asked her, “What about the rest of our lives together? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die?” And she replied, “Don’t worry. I’m
not suicidal or anything. I’d just rather be there now.”Doc, this seems like commitment phobia to me. I’m agonising over what I could have done differently. Was I too needy? Did I not give her enough space? Did I not pay her enough attention? All I can come back to is that the feedback I got throughout the time we were together was, “I love you and I want to marry you,” and Dawn never came to me with problems or gave me an opportunity to fix them. We never really argued because we’re both laid-back personalities. Doc, in your opinion, what happened? Bradley - who feels like he’s in hell

doc love’s response

Hi Bradley,Well, your first problem is that you started talking marriage WAY
too soon. You don’t talk marriage with a woman after only five months. She can talk marriage after five months, but you shouldn’t. You’re not supposed to be talking marriage until you’ve got two full years in with a babe. Dude, you
don’t even know this woman. So how can you talk marriage with her? One other thing: I couldn’t care less about the level of passion on your side. I only care about the level of passion on HER side. You’re talking about Dawn, so it’s a given that you like her. But how does she really feel about you? Dawn got rid of her other boyfriends because she can only last a year with a guy and she’s just passing through. In other words, she’s a DRIFTER. It was a good sign that she built you up to her parents, but still, it was much too soon in the relationship for that to happen. If Dawn broke up your relationship out of the blue, it means that you missed BIG RED FLAGS. You might never have felt neglected before, but Brody, you sure as heck must feel neglected now — because she’s getting rid of you!

What happened here? Guy, you weren’t a challenge at all. You were way too available. You met the parents too soon. You said “I love you” way too much. You talked about marriage much too soon. Other than that, you did everything right.

Remember, guys: Don’t rationalise red flags.

Hey Doc, First of all, let me congratulate you on your column. I’ve become your fan from reading it for so long. Here’s my problem: I volunteer my time at a non-profit organisation. Recently, a co-volunteer, Valerie, started showing a lot of interest in me. I didn’t know how to react to it. I like Valerie, but my first thought was that the age gap was (and still is) quite big — I’m 32 and she’s 18. So I did nothing about her interest and kept our interactions friendly and nothing more.

how young is too young?

One day at an organisation party we started talking, and suddenly Valerie managed to maneuovre me somewhere that wasn’t so crowded, and she made her move. We kissed, and afterwards I told her, “I don’t think this is right because I’m 32 and you’re 18.” She got upset at my reaction and argued that age doesn’t matter, that I look much younger than my age, and so on. So we decided to give it a go and started dating. Right now I’m still with Valerie. She still lives with her mother (who thinks I’m 25).  She cooks for me, and even paid once when we went out for dinner. Sometimes we stay at her house and just watch movies. My first priority is to get to know Valerie well (I’ve had some “crazy b*tch” experiences that left a mark), and then to see if her head matches with her body (in other words, if we can talk about something other than her ex boyfriends or the local club). Doc, I feel that age is an issue (if not
the issue).  I know you’ve said not to get too serious with a girl between
18 and 22, and I agree.  But it’s hard to put this to work because my dad is 13 years older than my mum (and they’ve been married for 30-something years) and my best friend is a 21-year-old girl I met when she was 17.  Everyone, including Valerie’s friends, tells me to give it a go, see what happens, and enjoy the ride. What do you think? Do you think this relationship is proper? I’ve never considered myself to be a “manther,” and I don’t want to be seen as one.

doc love’s response

Hi Lex, I’m glad that you like my columns and find them helpful. Like the old saying goes, bits and pieces do not equal a whole. It was a big mistake to reprimand Valerie when you two kissed for the first time. You insulted the girl, Lex. You don’t tell a girl she’s too young or too old. In fact, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You never tell a girl she’s too anything.” You just smile, and go right on kissing her. That’s what a smart guy would do. And you never should have lied to Valerie’s mum. Who did you think you were fooling? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Her mum knew you were older all the time.”

The fact that Valerie cooks for you and paid when you went out to dinner shows that she’s a Giver. This is a wonderful trait, but she’s much too young for you in terms of life experience. If she were 24,  25 or 26 there would be hope for the two of you, because she would know something about herself and life, but she still has to go through the ages of 19, 20 and 21, which are the years when people first start to figure out which end is up and which is down. In other words, she’s still got a lot of growing up to do. And that’s not a good thing for you.

That said, it’s smart that you’re trying to get to know Valerie before taking the plunge with her. And you hit it right on the head there, pal: You have to find out what’s between her ears. Maybe you’ll make the lucky discovery that you have a girl you can date for four years and she won’t be flaking out on you over something every other day. But I doubt it, because the odds are against it — and I’m an odds-maker.

Your mum and dad are one of the rare cases where a big age difference has not mattered in the relationship. But you can’t rely on the rare cases as an indication of what is likely to happen. You have to look at the majority of cases. And if you do, you’ll see that you’re not going to have this girl when she’s 23. Between the ages of 18 and 23 Valerie has so much maturing to do that you’ll be lucky if you can get through one year with her. Because, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “At the age of 18, a girl falls in and out of love every five minutes.” As far as your best friend is concerned, a friendship is not the same as a romantic relationship, so you can’t make a valid comparison between the two.Solution: Date Multiple WomenWhat do I think you should do? If you’re smart, you’ll date this girl and date other girls at the same time. And, most importantly, you can’t allow your Interest Level in Valerie to get anywhere near the 80s! So keep your interest low, Lex. Like my cousin Brother Love says, “Don’t lose control of yourself, dawg. You’re goin’ out with a little girl.”

Yes, the relationship is proper, but the odds of it lasting are really, really horrible. And who cares what other people think? If this girl is good-looking, likes you and she’s of legal age, that’s all that counts. Like my cousin General Love says, “Just make sure you check her ID card, soldier.”

Remember, guys: Until she grows up, she can’t possibly keep you.