Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

Do you guys remember these two posts, one about not maintaining a friendship with a woman who you’re romantically interested in, and the other showing a video about men who stick around thinking they will get somewhere beyond friendship but their female friends are just happy with the situation as it is?

I just wanted to give you my take on friendships with the opposite sex. As you know from reading this blog, my opinions are generally not mainstream.

I think that men and women can be friends. I just think that it’s a waste of time.

Before you start going ballistic, give me a chance to explain my reasons:

1. It’s a waste of time for a man who’s interested in a woman who is not interested:

Men who try to be friends with women who they are actually interested in romantically don’t get themselves any closer to the goal by continuing that friendship because women are getting their number one need met (emotional support) from the man without the man getting what they want (the romantic connection). Read the first article above to get more details on this.

You’ll see guys who are blown away that their female friend all of a sudden shows interest in another man. She starts crushing on another guy and then he has to hear about it. He starts wondering,

Well why doesn’t she like me? Why does she like this new guy instead when I’ve been here all along?

And to that I say it’s because a woman does not “fall in love” by having her emotional needs met. She “stays in love” by having her emotional needs met. But the initial attraction comes from a man’s assertive pursuit, him making her feel wanted and desired. Giving the emotional support without FIRST making her feel desired, wanted, does not ignite her sexuality. It just makes her feel emotionally satiated. Like settling into a warm blanket when you’re cold as opposed to the reaction the guy really wants: igniting in her a fierce, hot, passion for him.

Read this letter a girl wrote to her “nice guy” male friend.

2. If you’re married, it could be detrimental.

I’m not opposed to men and women being friends. I just find that being married, I don’t really desire male friendships. (except for my gay guy friends! Like Dusty and Tim above!) Maybe it’s because it really makes it uncomplicated for my husband and I. He has no close female friends ( I fill that void 100%) and I have no close male friends (he fills that void 100%). Oh, we also each have siblings of the opposite sex, so that might be another reason.

Besides the fact that we have committed to never air out our dirty laundry to others and instead confide in each other, because neither of us has close friendships with the opposite sex, I also have that added confidence that when we have problems, he’s not going to another woman, and he has the confidence that I’m not going to another guy.

Why it’s hard on your marriage when your closest friends are of the opposite sex:

I had a friend in high school and college whose husband’s best friend was a woman. It caused all sorts of problems for their marriage. Every time they had issues, he would go running to his female best friend, who happened to be single, beautiful and secretly in love with him. Of course by confiding in her, he was not really getting constructive advice. He was getting an accomplice, someone who was just telling him his wife was wrong and completely taking his side.

I know this doesn’t happen to all couples, I’m just saying that in my marriage, the fact that my inner circle of friends are all women (oh with the exception of a couple long distance male friends who used to be coworkers and old family friends who I hardly ever talk to) and Nate’s buddies are all men, it is just a comfort to both of us.

Another thing I do as a safeguard for my marriage:

I’m even committed to never spend time alone outside of work with another man who I am attracted to. Even if it is super innocent. I just try to put myself in my husband’s shoes, and I wouldn’t want him doing that with another attractive woman.

Every decision I make, big or small, is directly related to how it will positively or negatively impact my marriage. And having male friends? I just think that there is a greater chance of it negatively impacting my marriage than positively impacting my marriage.

There is barely enough time for me to devote to my female friends as it is, so I just don’t even try to make male friends.

3. It’s a waste of time if you’re a man or a woman who ever plans on getting married.

Maybe you’re asking, what if I’m not married yet?

If you’re a single guy with close female friends, when you get married, how do you think your wife will feel when you hang out with these friends— dining with them, talking about life and work and family, going out to movies, going to wine festivals? Basically, dating them! Or the more telling question, how would you feel if your wife did all those things with other men?

What if you’re a single girl?

In my twenties, as a single girl, I decided I didn’t want to invest in male friendships because I knew that I wouldn’t have that kind of closeness to a guy once one of us got married. I’m assuming it’s not an easy task being a close female friend of a married man, and out of respect for a man’s wife, not something I would want to do anyway.

Also, as a single woman, maintaining a friendship with a guy who’s interested in you romantically (without your reciprocal interest) has the possibility of 1. Leading him on, or 2. Monopolizing his time when he could be pursuing other women.

I did have a close male friendship with a guy at one point when I was single before I made this decision, with him formerly interested in me (I was not interested) and with him doing all the pursuing in the friendship. When he got married, I hardly ever heard from him, and this is a good thing in my opinion.

That’s why I don’t invest in friendships with the opposite sex. Because it’s an investment that I know will be lost in the end. To me, men are for mating and women are for friendships, but that’s just what has worked in my life.

Readers, what do you think? Do you invest in close relationships with the opposite sex with no intention of moving it romantically?

What not to do

Don’t come across like a desperate horny male — there are enough of them in the world. She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body. Having a nice personality is very important too, especially if you are going to frequently wake up next to each other. You can’t kick her out before breakfast. It has to be clear that you have a reasonable grasp of sexual and social etiquette and are going to treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. You also have to impress her just like you would any other woman, but you have to impress her in different ways, and on a whole, a lot less than normal. You don’t need to keep repeating yourself, and don’t complain about how horny you are — it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman. Just because she isn’t your girlfriend doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your respect. Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is — a supremely excellent situation that you should attempt to keep as long as it’s appropriate. Another no-no is sleeping with someone who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her. It will be so much more fun with someone who is on your wavelength. If you sense it wouldn’t work out to be mutually agreeable, don’t do it. There are plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

The pitfalls

There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start crushing, and one of you won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings past the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic and regular occurrence. And it isn’t always the soppy females crashing head over heels either; guys are just as bad when it suits you. It is easy enough to do and, since we are all human and designed to connect with our lovers on many levels, it can get complicated quickly. The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s 50th birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown. You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. Because most of these rules are implied, if she oversteps the mark, you need to firmly but kindly set her straight, and hopefully she will do the same for you. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work. Other considerations are your friends. Will they accept this? Will they know about it? Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? You don’t need anyone’s permission obviously, but it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them.

Potential problems

Keeping you and your friend with benefits safe is important. If you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows — despite loosely applied “rules,” you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.

bouncing buddies

Human relationships are frequently complicated, so to find a waterfall in the desert is wonderful and something that, if it goes well, you will remember with great fondness. You can have an immensely satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an ”easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a ”player” — just act like a person. Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an ass to try to score a girlfriend. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.