Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

Reader’s Question

Hey Doc,I need your advice. My issue involves a stunning woman named Jasmine. We met at a party three years ago. She couldn’t get enough of my attention and begged me to stay and talk with her all night. We dated for a while until she moved away from the area. When she moved back, we started dating again. I maintained Challenge the whole time and even ended our friendship when she disrespected me once. She apologised and promised to never do it again. Impressed with the integrity she displayed, I allowed our friendship to continue. This time, when we started dating again, she said she wanted to be my girlfriend.

Is She Still Interested?

Recently, when I ran into a couple of relatives while with Jasmine, I introduced her as my friend and not my girlfriend. This made her upset, and she accused me of not being in love with her or, for some reason, embarrassed by her. The truth is that I wanted to move slowly. Now she’s not calling me as much and has not even returned a couple of my calls. I know I’m not supposed to be calling her more than she calls me, so I’ve stopped after two unanswered calls.Doc, I feel Jasmine’s Interest Level has waned. What should I do to get it back up? Am I being overly macho by not chasing a girl? I don’t want to turn her off even more by being less of a challenge. Is she just testing me over some small issue?Please help me decide what to do.
Glenn- who can’t figure her out

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Glenn,You are indeed correct: The relationship is based on the woman’s Interest Level and nothing else. But what most men tend to do is confuse
their own feelings with the woman’s feelings. To you psychology grads, this is
called projection and has nothing whatsoever to do with the Reality Factor. What you didn’t realise, was that the outcome of your relationship with Jasmine was determined very early on, when she moved out of the state.
Like my cousin Eddie Love says, “If she really loved you, she wouldn’t have
moved a thousand miles away.” So right there this thing was dead in the water. When a woman decides to put a lot of distance between the two of you, she’s telling you something. Glenn, you weren’t listening to what Jasmine was saying to you. Now take a close look at what happened between you and this lady. First she moves out of the state, and then she comes back and disrespects you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Do you see a pattern here?” If you don’t, you should, my friend.

reader’s question

Hi Doc, I might be dealing with a sociopath.
Well, all of my friends seem to think so. When I met Lana six years ago and when we started dating, I was 24. She was 37 and had two kids, and though I didn’t know it, was married (I found out later she had been married three other times).  She was constantly contacting her last husband behind my back until her divorce. We got a house together and she started seeing another guy without telling me. I moved out, he moved in, then he left her, and she came back to me. I think he had her on drugs and finally got out when he saw her true colors. Last summer she started seeing yet another guy, but they broke up. I’ve only seen her sporadically over the past few months, but now she’s texting me and saying she wants me back and that she has changed. We never married, but I’m still hooked on her. Doc, please help me understand her sociopath behavior and tell me if you think Lana could possibly change. What drives me crazy is that she can seem normal to the world but behind closed doors she is a completely different person. I can see the reality of my plight with her, but she is always able to say the exact right thing to lure me back in. Doc, am I just someone she is using until she finds what she is looking for? What baffles me is that when we met I didn’t have money, but she stayed with me for six years. My friend said it was because I put up with her erratic behavior and was an enabler. In your opinion, is Lana a lost cause? Her childhood was difficult and she moved from home to home and so forth, so that is one explanation for her actions. I know she has done wrong, but people can change, can’t they? Barnes – who has been destroyed

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Barnes, Let me ask you a question right up front. All of your friends — not a love doctor, like myself — are telling you that you’re with a nutcase. If it was just one or two buddies, you might take their opinions with a grain of salt. But can all of your friends possibly be wrong about this woman? What are you doing here, Barnes? Why aren’t you listening to them? But you went ahead and fell in love with a woman who is 13 years older than you. You mean to tell me you couldn’t find anyone else on the planet to go out with? Gosh, pal, you must live in a really small town! Then you discover that Lana’s been married four times and you still insist on chasing her around. Don’t you think that a woman’s track record is an indicator — a big red flag — when it comes to how she’s going to treat you? Isn’t the way she got along in her past relationships a sign that you’re in for the same lousy treatment? If nothing else, the fact that Lana was always contacting her last husband behind your back shows that she has loads of Integrity and character. But then she started seeing another guy. Oh, now I get it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This chick don’t know what the word ‘no’ means when a guy comes on to her.”

Reader’s Question

Hey Doc,I’ve read your book but may need coaching on a little conundrum. Sometimes when you get a puzzling result, you have to call in a specialist. I first laid eyes on Jill when she walked past me on a flight from Europe to New York. She made prolonged eye contact that suggested, “I’m interested and available.” I played it cool and bumped into her in baggage, which gave us plenty of time to talk and confirm the lack of a wedding band. I kept the conversation light, funny and interesting. I casually grabbed her phone number, waited a week to call and set up a lunch date. This led to a casual romance filled with “adventure” dates (hiking, parasailing, etc.) that started out as a once-every-two-weeks kind of thing and then progressed to talking on the phone every evening by the fifth month (I kept the calls no longer than 10 minutes to set up more dates). Here’s my problem. Through a professional connection, I got word that Jill’s ex-boyfriend, was pursuing her big time again, even though they’d broken up a year previous to my meeting her. Naturally, she’d shared a few details about him along the way, but I had no idea that this guy was rich. I’m talking majorly rich. I do well, but quite
frankly, I’m happy where I am, make a good living and plan to retire when I hit 50 to enjoy life instead of working till I drop. Here’s the rub: Apparently his biological clock is exploding or something, and Jill is mid-30s herself. She’s dropped lots of little hints about having babies with me — meaning she wants to get married ASAP. But I know that your MO is that you don’t even think about getting serious with a woman until you have a solid year of Flexible Giving under your belt with her, and I’ve only got six months. Jill also doesn’t seem overly materialistic, but in my experience you never really know with women. To her credit, Jill has made it pretty clear to me that this guy is coming on strong, sending flowers, love notes and asking to get back together. Jill has said that the reason they broke up to begin with was that he was a “workaholic” and unavailable.  Even so, I’m playing this cool and confident. I didn’t overreact at all upon this “news,” and kept up the Challenge and mystery (I still leave for weekends with the guys for fishing expeditions, although Jill tries to make “demands” on my time). I would guess that her Interest Level has always been at least in the 90s, but with Rich Boy putting himself back in the picture, I’m questioning that for the first time. Meanwhile, Jill is still dropping marriage hints and saying that she’s more or less ignoring her ex’s requests for dates and told him to stop contacting her. My question is this: Should I stick to the programme and wait another six
months to pop the question, or should I put this relationship into overdrive and head toward marriage more quickly? I don’t want to lose her over a perceived reluctance to walk down the aisle. Stew – who is curious to see how she’ll react to Rich Boy

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Stew, You make an excellent point about calling in a specialist when you face a dicey situation. Most men do not realise how deep my techniques and principles go when it comes to their problems with women. Guys send me
emails two pages long describing their difficulties with a woman, and they expect me to give them a one-sentence Band-Aid to solve everything. It doesn’t work that way. In reality, they need major surgery. Like my cousin Brother Love says, “If you got problems with women, there ain’t no quick fixes.”

Let’s move on to Jill. Her prolonged eye contact with you said she was interested, but it didn’t say that she was necessarily available. So you shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions.

You should have been seeing Jill at least once a week instead of once every two weeks. And, remember, the telephone is used to get a date, and that’s all. I know you kept your calls short, Dewey, but it’s not how long the calls last; it’s the frequency of the calls that’s just as important. By calling Jill all the time, you’re killing Challenge, Dewey.

When you got the information about Jill and her ex from your professional contact, I hope you didn’t tell him that you were dating her. How do you know he wouldn’t take that information and run with it straight to Rich Boy? Still, you had to listen to what he told you, even if you weren’t sure of its truthfulness and accuracy. As I’ve told you guys before, you have to be a love detective and factor in all the evidence.

Dewey, you need two years of Flexible Giving with a woman before getting engaged — one-and-a-half years at the very earliest. One year is not long enough because at that point, you’re still going out with a stranger. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “After only one year with a woman, you ain’t seen all her warts yet.” It’s true as you say that you never really know with women, and I congratulate you on being aware of it.

My question to you is this: if Jill loves you so much, why is she talking to you about other men? I would advise you not to talk about your exes with her, so why is she not showing you the same class? Why can’t she prevent herself from baring her soul? To you Psych majors, women with Interest Levels in the 90s don’t talk about other guys.

The key to this situation, Stew, is what Jill tells her ex. If she orders him to stop contacting her — assuming she’s not lying to you – it’s great. But how truthful is she being with you?

No way you can pop the question now, pal. You have to wait another year and a half before even thinking about it, given the present circumstances with Rich Boy. So, no, you shouldn’t put this relationship into overdrive. You shouldn’t do anything until this other guy is completely out of the picture. I don’t like the fact that he’s still coming on to Jill. Here’s something to think about. When Jill gets an email from him, does she erase it or does she read it? When he mails her flowers, does she mail them back? When he sends her a love letter, does she write on it “THIS RECIPIENT IS DEAD” and return it? The point is this: How hard is she really trying to get rid of this guy? My suspicion is that she’s not trying all that hard since she keeps letting him contact her.

Your problem, Stew, is that you have an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background, which is a big no-no. Until that situation is completely cleaned up and you get at least two years in with Jill, don’t even think about marrying her.

Remember, guys: If she’s talking to an ex, you have to smell a rat.