Dating Advice for Men- Attracting Tips, How to Talk to Girls

Something I find confusing: Seemingly lovely, well-adjusted men will date a woman blissfully then, completely unexpectedly and for no obvious reason, break up with them. It’s happened to three gorgeous, funny women I know in the past six months. It’s happened to me more times than I’d care to admit; I start seeing a guy, he calls regularly, makes an effort with my friends, plans dates weeks ahead, then it’s radio silence for a few days followed by… ‘I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship.’ Umm, who said anything about a ‘serious relationship’? These men ended the dalliance because they freaked out. Somewhere along the line, ‘casually seeing each other and having a great time’ turned into, ‘she wants a serious relationship. Argh!’ Reality check, guys: Just because we like you, we want to continue seeing you and do so monogamously, it does not mean we want to keep you locked in a basement. It also doesn’t mean that we are going to steal your semen and try to impregnate ourselves (hear that Liz Jones?) But men continually believe this. Thinking
about it, there are loads of misguided myths men have about women. I’m going to dispel some of them.

Myth 1: We all want to get married

We don’t. We don’t all want babies, either (sorry Daily Mail). In fact, some of us aren’t even sure we want a relationship right now, let alone one where the two parties have no friends, fun or independence. It’s not that we’re anti-marriage or unwilling to settle down, it’s just we’re fully aware that getting married isn’t the ultimate goal. Next time things get a teensy bit more serious with a girl you’re seeing, relax. Monogamy doesn’t mean you’re life is over.

Myth 2: That we need to see you every day

Please don’t assume we need constant contact. I’ve been in a relationship where we texted so regularly it became a habit, and soon enough a chore. Information over-load is boring. It’s waaay more appealing to have space for a day or two so there’s plenty to catch up on when you do see each other. We’ve got our own lives too, you know.

Myth 3: We’re ‘mental’

This one really annoys me. Admittedly, myself – and every other woman in the world ever – has acted irrationally at one time or another (I once accused a boyfriend of sleeping with his co-worker, then called the poor, innocent girl a ‘slag’ in a pub full of her colleagues. Oops). Does this make us crazy? Hell no. We just screw up from time to time. But any sign of impulsive behaviour and men brand us ‘mental.’ It works both ways, though. Women all too often deem men ‘bastards,’ and that’s not fair either. Some men are total bastards. Some women are slightly mental. But we’re only human, so cut us some slack.

Myth 4: We tell our mates everything

As women we’re naturally good talkers. You know that already. Surrounded by close friends there is no subject ignored and, yes, this includes the men in our lives. But, contrary to popular belief, even we know where to draw the line. If we like you and respect you, we’re not going to blab your personal problems or embarrassing incidents to a group of howling, Pinot-swigging girlfriends. Promise. 

Myth 5: You need to spend a lot of money on us

Anyone who read my last column about first dates will hopefully appreciate that women don’t require five-star  restaurants, trips to Paris and over-zealous gifts (except on birthdays perhaps). Whilst the odd treat is of course  appreciated, flashing the cash is unnecessary. Wouldn’t you rather be with a girl that’s just as happy with a takeaway than a white tablecloth? So, there you have it. I could go on for hours debunking the myths about dating, relationships and women in general, but hopefully the initial bases have been covered. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an imaginary wedding to organise.

 

As any single man or woman will testify, no matter how fun dating can be, we could all do without the dreaded pressure of the first date. Am I right? (That was rhetorical, by the way.)The way I see it, first dates should be as fun and flighty as possible; a mid-week drink here, a Sunday pint there. One guy once took me to a gig on a first date. The band was terrible but the date was not.My worst date ever was the first one after a breakup. I was an emotional wreck. After civilised drinks
in a North London pub, we strolled outside and, as the lovely man leant in to kiss me, I burst into tears (how attractive). To his credit, he was an utter gentleman, feebly attempted a joke, placed me in a taxi and, naturally, never called me again.My following first date was far more successful – actually leading to a second, third and even fourth one – but I’ll never forget my disbelief when, mid-way through dinner, he ordered the bill whilst I was still eating. Without even asking if I was finished. Which I clearly wasn’t. Unbelievable.This leads me to what many males friends have expressed confusion over: First-date-etiquette. Some questions that have popped up from my male pals include:

1. ‘Is a pub boring or do I need to be more creative?’ (Answer: Keep the first date simple. Drinks in a cool bar are perfect, as the dates progress, so can both your creativity)

2. ‘Do we let her pay?’ (Answer: Not if you want to see her again)

3. ‘Is it too soon to ask her back to my place?’ (Answer: We know you’re going to try that one. Don’t be silly).

The question over who pays is a tricky one. Yes, we are independent, modern women who can financially fend for ourselves, but the modern girl still appreciates chivalry. There is nothing — NOTHING — more off-putting than a cheap man. A man that insists on paying for an evening out is a gentleman, someone who enjoys our company so much he wants to treat us. I would never expect, or allow, this to continue on for further dates and neither would any girl I know. We’re more than willing to get a few rounds in and I’d always offer to go Dutch on any meal, but I do think a man should insist on taking the lions share on the first date. It’s just manners. Another crucial aspect: there needs to be plenty of pre-date banter. Flirtatious texts and emails break the ice beautifully and give plenty of opportunities for follow-up conversation when the date finally arrives. What pre-Millennium daters did before instant messaging is beyond me.I’m a fan of a day-time first-date. A relaxed, slightly boozy weekend lunch is perfect. The downside to the daytime date of course is, if it goes brilliantly, you find you’re still out, hammered, by 10pm which is how I found myself at the end of date #1 with my ex, Mike. After a day of drinking we joined my friends in a club. Mike went to collect our coats and, according it him, returned to find me “collapsed on the floor wrapped in a feather boa.” I still don’t remember. He bundled us -– boa included — in a taxi, removeing fallen feathers from the cab’s upholstery whilst holding me up with one arm outside my flat. Not my finest moment. Miraculously, we dated for a year and half after that.I recently had a far more restrained, but nowhere near as memorable, first date. This guy worked in the city and took me to a lovely cocktail club in Mayfair. Unfortunately, all the Bellinis in the land couldn’t compensate for his distinct lack of personality.
When we’d meet a few weeks previous in a bar he seemed so charming. Now, I felt like I was being lectured by a failed
Apprentice candidate. He didn’t ask me anything about myself, just boasted about how he’d successfully micro-managed his department, beaten his annual sales target (the theme tune to TOWIE was playing on repeat in my head by this
point) and name-dropping big clients. Did he really think all this self-importance was going to win me over? Please.It goes to show that no matter where you go or how much you spend on a date, it’s all about the company. But cracking a few jokes and waiting for her to finish eating before ordering the bill are good places to start.

Before we begin, here’s a little side note about where this blog is heading:

The Art of Charm guys pointed out a statistic that shocked me:

10 % of the guys get 90% of the women.

So many more single men have been commenting on my site that I feel compelled to understand the world of pickup artists. I want the nice guys on my site to get the inside scoop on how to get women so that women aren’t falling for just pick up artists. I want the nice guys to be in the running!

I think there’s a lot of valuable information out there, and although many of it is used with the wrong motives, I think if given to the right guys, it can be used for good, to attract and keep women for the long haul. That’s my goal in sharing this stuff. I want to separate the good stuff from the stuff that is deceitful, malicious or just outright game playing.

For all the single women who read my blog, you’ll get the inside scoop so you’ll at least know what’s going on. My hope is that it will make you more discerning with men. I’ll still have articles to help you attract men. And for all the coupled men and women readers, there’s still more for you, since I’m in that stage and will always have something to say about long term relationships.

This is a continuation of the last post, again material taken from episode #115 of the Art of Charm with some of my thoughts in the mix. For more information, check out howtotextgirls.com

Today we’re talking about mindset. I wanted to write a completely separate article on mindset because it’s so important. It might even be more important than what you actually text.

It’s not about just the script, but the mindset.

Check out these statistics: 60% of communication is body language. 33% is vocal tonality. 7% is words, logical content.

With texting, you remove the 60%, and the 33%. All you have is the 7%. But because your mindset impacts your words and how you come across, it’s important to be in the right mindset.

With mindset comes the wisdom of how to say it and when to say it.

How to be in the right mindset:

1. Send it and forget it.

Don’t sit there with your phone in your hand going, Oh yeah, that’s a good one. I wonder what she’s going to say…

It’s going to tempt you to send a follow up text, “So what do you think?” That’s not good. It shows you’re literally sitting there doing that. Waiting around. People can tell when you’re literally hanging on to every word they say and are too quick to respond.

It also doesn’t bode well with your psyche if you’re sitting there thinking, Did she get it? What is she thinking? Does she like it? Do I sound like a loser? I shouldn’t have sent that. Is she out? Is she thinking about me?

You don’t want to be the guy worried and anxious. Worry and anxiety? Two words that don’t fare well with the idea of a manly guy. If you don’t send it and forget it, you’re going to thinking, Did she respond to each of my texts? Was it within 15 minutes? This stuff does not help your game.

2. Meet a lot of women.

Many guys may be shocked that I encourage men to date and pursue multiple women, given my “traditional” stance on relationships. I don’t think pursuing multiple women makes you a player. You become a player when you commit to one but don’t drop the others. Really, no woman has a claim on you until you become exclusive. Once you reach that point, it’s important to be a one woman kinda guy.

But, until one sticks around and you both want to see each other exclusively, or at least one of them shows interest and you want to focus all your attention on her, then why not text multiple women! While you’re waiting for one girl to take real interest in you, text all of those women! If you meet a lot of women, it’ll be easier to do the first point: to send it and forget it. Plus you’ll have the added benefit of not looking needy just because you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket.

3. Remember it’s not a big deal.

This is texting. This is as low risk as it gets. If she doesn’t text back right away, or at all, or is in a bad mood, don’t get angry! Don’t get emotionally reactive! Don’t let any of it screw with your confidence. It’s just a text. It’s like getting pissed off about getting dumped by your girl friend in second life. Or the Sims. If you’re doing point number 2, it will help you remember point number three. No response from Sue? Next. Move on to Trish, or Rachel, or that hot librarian who reminds you of Kate Bosworth. What was her name?

4. Take risks.

Become a social scientist. If you’re not sure about what reaction you’re going to get or if it’s appropriate, send it anyway. You want to use that more with fresh people, strangers. A girl who you just met. You can get away with more with strangers. You don’t have much to lose. Worse case scenario, you can just be like, “Whoops, sorry! wrong person!”

5. Don’t give up too easily.

You know how if somebody’s in a bad mood, it does’t matter what you say, you’re already going to be kinda annoyed with them? Remember this when or if you get cranky text message responses. People, especially women, filter their conversations based on their mood. So if she just got in a fight with her dad, didn’t get the promotion she’s waited 6 months for, and was stuck in traffic for two hours, and then she gets a text from you, like “I can’t hang out with you because you’re trouble” she might be like “Fine! F**k you!” So keep that in mind. And for crying out loud, USE emoticons. They help in keeping things light and playful. They help add to that 7%. They help a woman differentiate between joking and being serious. That same phrase with an emoticon smiley face might have gotten a different response.

6. Think before you text.

This point can be likened to “think before you speak.” Unlike with talking though, it’s not just a distant memory that a woman can replay in her mind. It’s literally something she can read over and over and over again forever. What does he mean by this? Does he mean… or does he mean? What is he trying to get at? She can call an emergency girl friend meet up like Carrie and her clan from Sex in the City to hyper analyze the entire thing. The point is…

With this in mind, before you click send, ask yourself, Is there any other way this could be interpreted? It’s texting, and although it is low risk, you can’t take it back.

How do you know if you’re texting too much?

These are four important points. If you are noticing 3 out of the 4, then you’re in trouble. If you’re only noticing 1 or 2, you’re probably fine.

• Her responses are slow- an hour and a half, a day.
• She isn’t engaging or “hooking” (asking questions back or going along with the banter),responding, or investing in the conversation.
• One word replies. “yup” “cool” “nice” “sweet” “uh-huh” – just being polite
• She doesn’t initiate conversation ever.

If the opposite is happening, then you’re doing it right.

If she’s saying “When are we going to hang out?!” That’s the clearest indication that she wants to go on a date. She won’t get any clearer than that. She won’t be like, “Take me out on a date. Tomorrow. 8 pm.”

How to Respond to Two Common Texts

“Who is this?”

If she doesn’t even remember you, say something silly like,

“lol your future ex-husband!”

It’s cool because it will compel her to respond either way, even if it’s a sour response. You’re at least still in the game. She will be curious because it’s a little puzzling for her. It shows interest (husband) but also shows that there’s still room to find out if it leads anywhere or NOT. (“ex”) Then you can go straight into logistics. Don’t be like “Duh, it’s Steve.” or “Waaahh, you don’t remember me?” or just “Jordan.” That’s no fun.

“You’re such a player. I bet you say this to all the girls.”

With all the light banter and “flexting” you’re going to be throwing out there, a girl’s going to wonder how you got to be so damn charming. And so she’ll throw this loaded statement your way. Here’s how to dodge it like a freakin’

genius!

“What about players do you find so attractive?”

It’s pointing the finger away from you. It’s also not really answering her question so she’ll think you’re a little bit mysterious because you’re not very direct.

or you can go with it in a I’m-totally-a-player kinda fashion:

“I’m down at church picking up old ladies right now.”

It’s so outlandish that she’ll be like he’s totally not a player. But it’s way more fresh, light and funny than just saying, “I’m not a player!”

Whatever you do, don’t be like, “Why do you think I’m a player?” That points the finger directly at you, in a negative light. That will just get her enumerating the reasons why. She’ll be like, hmmm, well… and then she’s automatically in negative thought mode with you as the subject. You’ll be in a lot of trouble.

Guys, I 100% agree with this entire post. And the last post. If you don’t remember anything just remember not to ever text her, “what’s up?” As a woman, I can’t STAND when people text me “what’s up?” Not just guys, but anybody. It’s such a lame waste of my time when I get those texts. It makes me feel like the other person is bored out of their mind and needs something to do, but is too lazy to think of something more. That person is putting no effort and is basically asking me to put out all the effort with a thoughtful text. Ehhh!!!! That is my biggest texting pet peeve! I don’t even dignify it with a response. EVER.

Okay, gentlemen, ready to start flexting??!!!